He don’t utter much, he would just sit silently and listen carefully with an intense curiosity. Perhaps, that’s why I was drawn to him so much because I have never met a person who is more willing to listen to others than talk about one’s thoughts. Even though, through his eyes I could sense that he knows and has more wisdom than he shows, but he won’t speak much rather he listens to others with great humility and a genuine sense of interest in others.
A very few glimpse of glances we shared, he would brush it away with an awkward smile. He is beautiful I should say, beautiful in his own way you know he doesn’t wear fashionable clothes to assert his being nor artificial stuff to prove he is something in fact, the sheer sense of humility and curiosity that fills his eyes when he looks at others makes him so different and beautiful. In fact, his presence would make you believe in basic goodness and simplicity.
-Tenzin Deyang
Photo was not mine, actually I took one but I haven’t captured well.
While I was walking on the wards of lake, I was carried away by a word of Charles Bukowski “don’t write it, if it doesn’t come bursting out, don’t try” and it made me wonder a little, what he meant by that? Because, weirdly I longed for a pen and paper to jot down something, something that I don’t know. Maybe it’s the beauty of the lake which made me wished to write something, because after a very long time I have seen something mesmerizing and it inspired me a bit to write something. But I don’t know what I might write on. Maybe, I would write on the terrific view of the lake from the white bridge, how for a moment it washed away all my pain and confusions. Maybe, how the place reminds me of a memory, a beautiful memory with my friends three years ago when life was way simpler.
But then, the words of Bukowski made me think a little, “don’t write it if it doesn’t come bursting out. What he meant by then when he said don’t try”
Sometimes my heart could not contain the feeling so deep and unusual; I see your face every now and then, whilst listening to a beautiful music, or when the cool breeze touched my face and lights up my sore heart. I longed to be in your presence. And it scares me to think of a moment where this feeling and the longing might fade away with the trivial things. It frightens me at my core to imagine such a day, because you are my solace and the only home, I could call.
ps. I was listening to a music while doing my dishes as usual. Suddenly I had this deep longing to be in his presence. Although I don’t know exactly why, but I heard it’s his deep compassion and affection for us that pulls us. Indeed I think it is true. So, I wrote this small piece right in the middle of my work, for I was afraid I might not express it in the exact manner I was feeling.
For the past couple of months, I have been staying alone in my own little room. It was by far the most peaceful months I have ever felt, truly. My place has a small garden filled with varieties of flowers, rose mostly; yellow, white and red. They smell really good, my friends loved taking pictures of it when they visit me but I adore my balcony since I could watch the mountains, trees, and sky. In fact, I used to sit outside for hours, just gazing at the sky. It was truly magical, just being out there silently, with no any external stimuli except the nature. It was the first time I ever experienced life beyond memories, concepts and words.
It was my dream to have a little space to myself, you know where I could experience the real solo life; I found it very romantic. Well, I should say it wasn’t as romantic as I have imagined, the first few months were pretty boring and a bit hard <with a lot of burning rice moments, weird food-combos, weird thoughts>. Sometimes, days went by without uttering a sentence more than three or five <I may be exaggerating a bit but let’s say 80 percent less than usual> or it gets a little too quiet.
But gradually, I got more acquainted with myself; the workings of my heart and yes, cooking, cleansing and stuff <little things>. I grew more comfortable with the space I had, every day, I do yoga and bit of meditation in the morning (to set tone for the day), burn some incense silently, take a shower and have my coffee. It was one of my favorite moments. Literally, I try not to plan, strive and think, and mornings were a lot easier to do that than the days.
I do online part time work beside my studies, so I don’t have difficulties passing time. But when the sun starts to set and evening bores, I would close all my works and unfinished to-do list. I would close the curtains and get ready for my bed but most of the times, I would sit outside with a tea. Just spending a little more time with nature, it helps me connect more with the world and myself. There are some intimate moments, where just being there with silent as my only company brought me so much of joy and security, something I have never felt through all these years. I guess, I felt at home <more coherent>.
Every day, I fell in love with the world a little more. It was beautiful.
I made tea, well if you are wondering if I put Pati first or milk? I did put Pati first, cos it turns out better with Pati first and then milk later. While it was brewing, I was too excited to go out and enjoy it. I carried a book and a pencil cos I felt an unusual poetry inside me, so longing to come out; what’s better than to do it with a good beverage, a tree to look at. I picked pencil; my heart tends to flow better with it.
Well, it’s beautiful outside, it is always in fact after a light rainfall, the place becomes fresh and pretty; the perfect time to sit outside and devour the beauty of it. No doubt, why people love being in the nature so much. It does wonder to your soul; it brings out the vast and ever-compassionate nature of one’s. It is truly magical. Trees are my favourite thing to look at, I didn’t realize it until my second year. There was a balcony near our room and you can see directly a tree with a light green big leaf. It wasn’t so pretty and defined as such. Rather the simplicity and its ordinariness, how serenely it stood in the middle of the park I adored.
I don’t go out always to watch it, but I seem to enjoy it the most when I’m having a shit day or inner crisis. Just a glance at it (would be best if there is a slight ray of sun shine shoving through it, looks perfect) calms me down. I felt a deep connection with it you know, it makes me feel like I am part of a much bigger and wider space than what I was feeling inside. I wish I could express those in words more coherently but sometimes that’s the beauty of our feeling, right? even words could fail to do the justice.
Any ways, I had a moment out there. My younger self would have probably found it weird that I had a great time just being there, silently watching, sipping tea and writing some words; she must have found me boring and strange. She is the tom-boyish kind of girl, who wears weird hair bun, that doesn’t even sit properly. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why people think of her as little messy back then. It’s interesting how we could change so drastically?. Eventually, she will surely learn it later in her life that life is not about acquiring more on the outside and thinking one day, you will be happy. It is when you start creating things or anything you believe in and live in the moment. It is taking care of one’s energy, it is truly loving and caring others. I know we all have our own share of perspectives, but this is what I have stumbled upon through my journey, to always love, love, love, love more than you received.
In the words of Osho:) ” One can love in many ways, one can just love a stranger passing on the road. One can just feel love for him, and go on one’s way. There is no need to even talk. There is no need to communicate it. One can simply feel and go on one’s way. One can love in millions of ways”
Words doesn’t come out spontaneously as before these days, I have to constantly think about the next word. I then quit before I even finish my sentence. It isn’t like I don’t have anything to jot down, but there are gaps in between that I quite don’t know how to untangle….
It’s Monday and it snowed for the first time. It was beautiful, fresh white snows were falling softly on the land, neither too harsh nor too gentle but with poise and elegance. I instantly took out my phone to capture it but the battery died. So, I went inside to charge it, with a hope to take it later.
I stood in the middle of the snow for a while like a kid, not quite sure how to enjoy the beauty of it since it was too beautiful not to feel every moment. It was mesmerising for I barely had such moment. So, I made a plan to go out today to treat something for myself as well as to just feel the Dhasa freely even though it was freezing outside.
I put on my black jeans, with a long coat and scarf to keep me warm. I carried my laptop, my book (the essentials) and head out. The air was really cold, I could feel my cheeks turning red. Nevertheless, I played ‘life goes on” by BTS to keep myself warm (no, I’m kidding). Well, the street was filled with too many people, quite unique for having such on Monday. Mostly were Indians, with families to just visit for few days I assumed. As usual, I could hear the sound of a honk, kids cheering, steps of a visitors. The town was very lively, perhaps one of the reasons why I loved it so much. There is always something happening.
As usual, I went out to hunt for a quiet café. I went all the way down to Tsuklakhang and up to Guchusum. There, I found one. It was a tiny place with only few tables. No one was there, so I chose to stay in the middle to test myself for I always sit at the corner. Hence this time, I sat on the middle and ordered my favourite coffee. The waiter was so kind enough to inform me of the other room where it was a bit warm. It was indeed warmer and cosier. A lot of books were stacked, some great paintings and quiet as expected.
My coffee also arrived, I made myself comfortable and did what I always do.
I felt really at ease, calm and happy; perfect for a little date with myself.
Can we all take responsibility of our own emotions? try our best not to displace our shortcomings towards others? Can we at least try being more aware of our own emotions so that it won’t hinder someone else’s peace? Can we at least do that? Sure, we are human and we can’t be perfect, but despite that I am sure there is ways we can not harm others. Harming others or bullying others does not have to be physically tormenting somebody, more importantly just being aware of one’s own emotions and taking responsibility would be of a great service. Why does other person have to take your outburst, I mean having this conscious mind, is it our responsibility or privilege to be more aware and responsible of one’s own emotion?
Truly I have seen lot of people putting their unfinished business’s guilt or whatever negative emotions you could name to others, I’m not saying that we would never lose our temper it happens, but it can’t be happening often. I mean it’s cool if you just lock the door from inside and stay there with your face red, hands shaking without displacing onto others, that’s a responsible human being even though anger disrupts one’s peace of mind. That’s still understandable and a cool way of being but through what I have seen and experienced, a lot of people has a habit of punishing others when something didn’t happen the way one wants. Come on, why does the other person has to take your punishment for the things that you didn’t do or responsible of? it’s not like any other crime behaviour where law could do justice, it is this very basic human value.
We can’t be all good and aware within overnight, but if everyone could at least be mindful and take responsibility of one’s emotion I think world would be a lot better place [ I believe, this much we owe it to our conscious mind or the intelligence that we are endowed with].
Recalling that day still breaks my heart, I couldn’t do anything. More-over I couldn’t even offer her my presence, I was too vulnerable to do that. Yet I can’t stop thinking about how much distress and pain she was going through at that moment. I don’t know her well but I have heard quite a lot about her disease that eats her up every single day. She can’t lie down properly; she has to sit straight most of the time and requires her to go to the hospital in the middle of the night as well. Because, sometimes it’s hard to breathe also. At the time, there was no one beside her. Hence, I called her if she needs anything, she could call me, she did.
So, it was in the middle of the night where I was sleeping soundly on the other bed, something woke me up. I slightly opened my eyes and even though I was still hazy I saw her sitting upright on the bed. She hasn’t slept. It instantly woke me up, I asked her what happened? She told me maybe we need to go to hospital because she is having hard time breathing. I don’t know how to respond; I have never encountered such ever in my life. It was 5:30 in the morning and it was still dark. We head out to the hospital; there she was put up with oxygen.
While on the bed, I can’t stop seeing her dark circles underneath her eyes and her small figure. I felt a strong sense of guilt and sadness seeing her, I could feel that she hasn’t had a good sleep for a long time. It broke my heart. I let her head rest on my shoulder, so that at-least she could get some sleep. Fortunately, she slept for awhile but she wakes up time to time. It must have been really hard for her.
Just like that, the time passed. We went back to the room. I then head out to my class, but I can’t stop thinking about that moment. I can’t fathom how much pain she is in and the insecurities, loneliness behind that smile. The kind of thoughts that runs through her mind when she is alone and ‘what ifs’ she might be dreaming? With her, I felt so vulnerable too; good health, instant pleasures seemed so feeble. Life too seemed like a bubble.
Was that the thing, I have been waiting for since time immemorial? Is that purpose of my existence? I vividly remember the moment where thinking about my future scared me so much, so much to the extent that I could feel my chest tightened, my heart pumping so hard as if I hear it breath for the first time.
I didn’t want to picture myself to any of the roles, any of the chores. It only sounds instability, unsettled and insanity for me. But instability, unsettlement; are those the truths which would drives me to the path of sanity? Yet, it sounds very displeasing and dissuading.
I told myself then, those were the only means and ways to survive. Every human does it, and surprisingly they do it with so much of ease. Why can’t you just do it? Why yours should be different?
Maybe I want to live graciously rather than just survive, I told myself.
Revolutionising the daily thought routines into more refine and realistic view until my heart felt its right is, I realized the purpose of my existence. Rather than merely following the instincts to wait for the fight and flight to response, rather than pursuing the collective goal to enrich and reproduce the species like me, rather than giving excuses for my mistakes in the common famous belief of ‘self’ and ‘others’, rather than ignoring the need of others and submitting to the modern philosophy of ‘Individualism’, rather than being blind to the reality of impermanence and seeing suffering as happiness is I realized to my understanding, the very purpose of my existence.
Never in my life, I felt more at ease and calm. Those intangible discriminations of thoughts are the ones which again, for the first time just like feeling the warm sun ray into my cold skin; I felt a sense of hope in my existence.
Creainspirer 