Who are you?

The weather seems gloomy today with fogs pervading the whole arena and I woke up to the birds chirping, don’t know which bird is it. The air was so cold, I felt a certain cool air behind my back when I tossed myself to get out of bed. I wanted to lay in my bed to feel the warmth of my blanket for some more minutes but I decided to get out of bed and go for a running.

Well, if you are wondering what inspired me to go for a running? It was non other than an English series. Not technically, because deep down I have always known myself as an athlete. That too, not ultimately. But I have always been good at athletics especially on tracks and high jump. The period of my life when I don’t care about the world and fabricating an identity to suit others as well as serving my ego, I was so much into sports especially Table-Tennis but our school doesn’t have that sport as a competition hence I was known more of as an athlete on tracks. But I have never been as passionate as I’m into Table- Tennis. It was my first love, may sound cliché but yes, it is.

Growing up, I felt myself changing into a person that wasn’t me deep down and I totally loved everything about it but there are times when I wish I would have care less about social conformity. I’m sure everybody has tried to act on certain labels or characters to serve the social stigma or to fit in. As I was growing up, I see my friends spending less time on sports and showing on the ground. Mind you, nobody taught us these social skills I would say. It all arise voluntarily. I too then started caring less about sports except Table Tennis and started complying more into what society calls. And that is the first of many of my social skills I have tried to fit in.

Hence watching that series reminded of my half part that I have ignored for so long and that I even forgot I ignored. I am so glad I went for a running. It somehow reminded me of who I am before all the social conformity and ego fixations not the subtle one but yes, the gross one totally. I wouldn’t say it’s my identity but surely it was one part of the whole and however small it is, I don’t want to ignore.

 hopefully, I woke up on time and glad that I didn’t had a nightmare except the chilling air that I could bear.

Bhuti
10:00am

Home..

I have always wanted to pour out my piled-up feelings somewhere and there is no better place than this. I am so glad I found this great refuge where I could just go on and on and you would still lend me your ears even though you won’t answer me back. I’m cool with it.

No wonder, change is inevitable and for some reason that is one of the most soothing reality I would accept wholeheartedly despite certain consequences you have to go through to receive the fruition. And somehow it perfectly makes sense, nothing comes out easy. Well, it’s been more than a decade I haven’t met my family and if you are wondering do, I miss them? hell no (jokes). Yes, I do every single day and honestly there is not a day that I haven’t miss them.

I was so tender, naughty, vulnerable whatever words you want to use when I left my family behind to pursue so-called EDUCATION and I don’t know if I’m lucky or not. Sometimes I felt so privileged and lucky for everything I have been through and been received. Well, on the other times it always makes me wonder if I could have my pack here with me. How things would be if I have a home to call home ?

It seems to me every petty problem I faced dissolves through like a wave returning to its own shore but this constant longing never seems to leave me. It followed through every walk of my life like a shadow. One night, I decided to meet my dad in my dream. Well, we don’t know we are dreaming unless we wake up so I put my dad’s photo underneath my pillow to catch a glimpse of him in my dreams.

 SORRY, I didn’t meet him. I guess it only happens once in a blue moon I read it from somewhere. I know I sound dumb to believe in such but sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing when you long for someone else so dearly. Even though I don’t remember any of his laugh or shared conversations he is still my hero. I wish he is a good man. I’m sure he is.  Anyways, I will wait for them even though it hurts. How about a rainbow without some rain right? As Saljay Rinpoche puts it very beautifully, “we are all homesick longing for our true home” ………

Bhuti
7:29PM

Dance on your own Rhythm…

As I got more matured, I was able to understand more of what’s happening in the world constantly. No doubt, we are all kids eagerly searching for the truth and you might think, well I don’t, just want my stomach full. In that case, I still think you are not far from the spectrum of searching for the truth. Maybe you might have no idea you are on the same rally with those who openly confessed to peeling the layers of this whole state of existence but I’m sure if you examine really close you would do the same. The routine of waking up, having food and going to bed is as easy as to raise a question of your own existence. Well, if you are deliberately denying to ask yourself question because of your fear of peeling of the dust that might disappoint you, then I have no words.

No doubt, we have to go through immense of digging and sweating to find the treasure that every one of us seeks and it is absolutely alright to get lost at some point to find yourself again. Not that it feels good to be lost, but trust me it’s all worth it I have been there too. Well, this is kind of weird or maybe there are some who felt the same, umm no matter how honest I try to be while writing however, I constantly feel that something is holding me back and I think it is absolutely alright to experience such emotions because undressing your thoughts are real big deal right? I mean it’s like somebody received a golden ticket for her/his favourite comedy show (jokes) but yes, it’s like somebody else is reading your mind right now so it’s a big deal but nevertheless, I have promised to be as honest as I can. Well, look at those great authors who are my hero’s and heroines for so long who have never hesitated to share their deepest wounds and hurts, and I wish to learn from them.

So, to ease our thirst there are various ways and means we could do. At least for me, I don’t think there is any fixed pattern we all should follow in order to find the truth or to just have a glimpse of whatever truth you are searching for. And the most universal way I know of is “to follow your heart, it somewhere already knows where you are going”. Sometimes it might be wrong but don’t worry, if you don’t give up it will make sense one day. Just try to have the humility to accept the reality, it all will make sense one day.

Easier said than done, why are we still not buying it? Well, it takes immense of courage to follow your own heart, not only it takes blood and sweat but to even hear the whispers of your own voice needs a lot of learning. You might have observed too a very handful of people who knows what they do and the impacts they have in our beliefs and in the world. They know what they do.  I have a huge respect for those who knows what they do and who are not bound by societal stigmas to follow their heart. Well I’m the least knowledgeable person to utter those words but I believe we all have something to say, it wouldn’t even be fair to our senses who has been the witness for so long if I don’t spill out some lol…….

Bhuti
11:00A.M

Door way…

Actually it took some time to enter the password huh…..

As I was observing for many days not systematically though but yes in my own set of bubbles I have come to a conclusion. My conclusion is that no matter what circumstances and no matter how much we try to find the truth, I think emotional intelligence is one of the most important key to a healthy living and healthy development including progresses in terms of wealth, health , and relationships.

People might think that for some spaces, it might not require such an extensive thinking but in my opinion it is the key. Without a proper kind of understanding about one’s own process of emotions and mental factors one would not understand others and the things that really matters.

Unlike intelligence, in my opinion emotional intelligence cannot be measured by machines or through some set of questions but rather through one’s own state of tranquility, happiness and healthy inner state. And by saying that, I think a person doesn’t really need to score good on paper as well as doesn’t necessarily need to be educated in a mere sense because a person can be highly educated but without a sense of caring for others and couldn’t acknowledge one’s own emotions I think it would be very difficult move on with the life.

Many leave it in the hand of psychologist or considered it as a subject that just like other majors we pursue, but I think it would be a naive way to define one of the most crucial subjects because I think all the problems including crisis, mental disorders and world problems begins with the distorted mind or the impulsive consciousness that act as the key factor for determining the unhealthy habits.

Apart from that, in order to have a happy healthy life and not just go on with the flow but to really stop a moment and enjoy the little things that universe has to provide , I think emotional intelligence is the key factor. It is the doorway to inner happiness.

Through my interactions with the authors and self -analysis, I tried my best to connect the dots thinking it would be very safe to express here for I don’t want to impose any of my beliefs ( I would be very happy if it helps, but I don’t know right ) so it is completely and hundred per cent alright to reject it . Thank you .

Second thoughts ..

It’s always easier to be said than done. As time passes, my respect towards elders increases day by day for I admire how far they have come. Nobody knows how many hustles they have stumbled upon and how many times their heart broke. For all the times they turned their back on the shadow and promised to only look at the sunshine and smile.

The more I dwell and strive towards the stairs of success, the more I get the feeling of leaving everything right here and renounce. They are still tons of unanswered questions and doubt that I’ve held for a long period but this time I promised to be more patient and wait for the right time to come because I’ve learned to accept that we won’t figure out life overnight.

-11:52pm

Maze runner…

At times, a wave of excitement arises in you to jot down something on the blank paper not really knowing what you going to write and I guess, I’m feeling it right now. With my loose track and a navy blue shirt on, I lay on the bed shoving my half head outside the window feeling the morning breeze, a book on my hand and a coffee aside to keep me awake because I have a strange habit of dozing off around mid morning hours no matter how good I slept at night. No doubt I’m living the best moment of my life right now.

Sometimes I wonder, how could a mere sentence could change one’s life and truth be told, how could it promise someone the best company to rely upon as well as a safe security where you could always turn back to ranging from a word of advice to just a moment of tranquility. (Actually I’m just thinking what to say next because I don’t know, I told you right I don’t have any exact thing to say apart from really wishing to jot down something /chuckles).

Now this is a strange sort of experience where I’m lost at words. ……

Any ways I think I should go back to my reading for I don’t have anything in my mind right now, I know how weird our consciousness works right, I mean the more I try to grasp it, the more I get lost and if not touched at all then it would go wild and create whole sort of maze but I think I have decided to listen to my great teachers no matter how hard it is, because one thing I have understood is to tame your consciousness no matter how wild it runs for it is the only home we could always go back to and I can safely say, that is the greatest of ART.

-10:09A.M